SEDUCTION IS A GAME OF TUG-OF-WAR
Seduction is like a game of tug-of-war between you and a woman.
What outcome do you think the woman wants?
Imagine that you simply pull as hard as you can on the rope and the woman falls right into your arms:
You: Wow, you’re so beautiful! Can I buy you a drink? Will you give me your number? Are you single? Please be single! My roomate’s gone; wanna come back to my place?
This is frustrating for the woman because she has no chance to pull you back, and the game is over in seconds. When you show her all of your cards, or when you barrage her with your compliments and desires, she’ll be overwhelmed and won’t feel like she has any room to play. That’s boring and predictable.
Furthermore, if you’re fast and impatient when playing the game of attraction, she’ll assume you’re just as impatient in the bedroom.
Letting her win easily presents similar problems:
Her: Hey, my name’s Brenda. Umm… so what brings you out tonight?
You: Hey Brenda! Can I buy you a drink! Oh, I love your purse! Hey Steve, beat it so Brenda can sit there! So Brenda, I’m single and I think you’re sooo hot. Wanna go back to my place?
When you become instantly available to her flirting, she’ll suspect you have low personal value and that her victory is empty. If you let her easily win, and she knows it, she’ll have no investment in further play.
When you play the dating game, like when you play tug-of-war, you must be resistant enough to make the game enjoyable and to facilitate her investment in the process.
If it’s all pull, it’s boring; if there’s no pull, it’s not worth it. But if there’s pull and push, it’s GOLD!
You: Hey, I’m Steve.
Her: Hey Steve, I’m Brenda.
You: Hey Brenda, I just came over here because I thought you had such a cute smile! But I have the impression you’re kinda bratty, so I figured I’d come over here and see for myself. Hey, actually, those are decent shoes! I love flats.
Her: Hahaha, bratty eh? What? My shoes? Oh ya, pretty sweet eh? It’s one of those casual days for me. Usually I’m in heels actually, so you’ve caught me on a good day I suppose.
You: Oh no! Are you one of those girls who wears those high heels with the really weird pointy toes? Those things totally creep me out! Ha ha.
Her: Ha ha ha! Ya, I love those shoes! What’s wrong with those shoes?
You: Well… you know what they say about girls who wear those shoes right? (*wink*) Wait a minute, you have the cutest accent. Let me guess… you grew up around here?
Her: What do they say about girls who wear those shoes? Don’t skip right over that! (*pushes you*)
You: Yup. You were born here, I can tell. You actually make it sound good. Let me guess, you’re either an accountant or a dentist’s assistant.
The mistake most guys make when they meet a girl is that they think they need to overdo it with the pull, but the reality is, this just pushes women away.
Attraction isn’t all about pulling her in with your wit, your looks, your money, or your charm; it’s also about the emotional energy of anticipation and mystery.
I’ll give you three scenarios where a man approaches a woman and uses 1) only pull; 2) only resistance; and 3) both pull and resistance:
Scenario 1 – PULL:
Dick: Hi. My name’s Dick.
Jane: Hi Dick. I’m Jane.
Dick: Wow, I think you’re beautiful Jane.
Jane: Oh, wow, thanks!
Dick: Seriously. You have the most beautiful eyes! Are you a model?
Jane: Um, thanks. No, I’m a Dentist actually.
Dick: That’s great. That explains why you have the most perfect teeth I’ve ever seen. Can I buy you a drink?
Jane: Um, no thanks. I’m just waiting for my friend actually.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Notice how Dick showed how interested he was by showering her with compliments. This doesn’t work because it was all pull. A man of greater value would want to get to know her a little more before deciding how he feels about her.
You can almost imagine Dick invisibly trying to pull Jane into him in our game of tug-of-war; this makes Dick seem shallow and insecure and makes Jane disinterested in even taking up her end of the rope.
Sometimes when you’re trying to pull a girl in, you find you’ll start to actually physically lean into her; her automatic response to having a man lean into her would be to lean away.
Pay attention to your physical posturing when chatting with women: be sure to never lean into them for more than a few moments. Try to always be leaning away; you’ll notice that if she’s interested, she’ll start leaning into you instead.
Scenario 2 – RESISTANCE:
Dick: Hi. My name’s Dick.
Jane: Hi Dick. I’m Jane.
Dick: Wow, that’s a lame name.
Jane: Ha ha, what? Ya, Dick’s pretty original too eh?
Dick: Hey, what’s with the blouse?
Jane: What? What do you mean?
Dick: Well, look at it. Seriously? Whatever. So, you’re here trying to pick up men? Looks like you need some help. I’d suggest trying a little makeup, and maybe hit the gym once in a while.
Jane: Ya, um, how about you get lost loser. Hey Todd, can you get this guy out of here?
This time all Dick was doing was pushing her away. Pure resistance without any pull communicates to a woman that you are disinterested or you’re just a jackass.
Be careful when you’re trying to be cocky; sometimes cocky can come across harshly and be interpreted as pure resistance on your part. If you can’t be funny when you’re acting cocky, drop the act!
Scenario 3 – PULL AND RESISTANCE:
Dick: Hi. My name’s Dick.
Jane: Hi Dick. I’m Jane.
Dick: You have the most beautiful eyes!
Jane: Oh, well thanks.
Dick: Especially the left one.
Jane: Haha, shut up!
Dick: I’m actually just waiting for my buddy, so I’ll likely have to run away from you in a moment, I just wanted to come over and say hi. He hates it when I flirt with anyone; he gets so jealous. (*wink*)
Jane: Ha, well thanks, I guess. Run away from me eh?
Dick: You seem pretty harmless – so far. If you’re not dangerous, you’re welcome to come sit with us.
Jane: Ha, well, I am very dangerous actually.
Dick: Haha, ya, I got that feeling when I saw you eye balling me when I came in here.
Jane: Ha ha, WHAT?! I did not!
Dick: Jane. Please. We both know how this works. I’ve seen Dateline. I know a stalker when I see one. But don’t sweat it – I think you’re a pretty cute stalker.
Jane: Ha ha. You saw right through me. I’m impressed Dick.
This time Dick added humor (pull) to his teasing (resistance). Jane knows Dick’s being playful, and this communicates to Jane that Dick is fun, smart and confident. This kind of teasing and role-playing is called banter and we’ll discuss it more in a later chapter on developing rapport.
