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SCORE INDICATORS OF INTEREST

There is one question I get asked over and over again by both men and women: “How do I know if he/she likes me?”

The advice I give women is pretty cut and dry: if he’s talking to you, then he’s interested.

For men, it’s less black and white and more like a gradient of grey. At one end of the spectrum she really likes you, and at the other end of the spectrum she’s completely uninterested. By the way, you may have noticed I didn’t say that hate was the other end of the spectrum simply because a woman can completely hate you and still be very interested in you.

Many women, even when very interested in you, will fear your rejection and therefore be too shy to be obvious about her interest.

Plus, most women will prefer indirect over direct IOIs. Being obvious isn’t something they prefer. While most guys think being open and direct (“Hey, I think you’re hot”) is the best approach, most women feel being indirect is best (she glances in your direction, then quickly looks away).

It’s a rare event when a woman will simply come out and tell you she’s interested. This is why we men must learn to see and interpret a woman’s indirect expressions of interest.

I’ve found there are really two mindsets that are optimal when first learning to read a woman’s interest:

1. Assume she’s interested.
2. Pay attention to the subtleties of her communication.

ASSUME SHE'S INTERESTED

If women are too shy to directly express their interest, then the very best approach is to assume she is interested.

Why? Because if she’s interested, and you assume she’s interested, then you’re moving things forward naturally.

If she’s not interested, and you assume she is, then when you continue to escalate it’s actually possible that she could become more interested simply because she’s enjoying the escalating interaction.

The worst-case scenario is that she’s forced to be more direct about her disinterest. Some guys might think that the added effort you spent flirting with a woman who turns out to be not interested is a waste of energy, and might even be something to feel embarrassed about, but I’m telling you now that it doesn’t have to be interpreted this way.

This bit of invested time could have provided you with huge gains, especially if a woman turns out to be the woman for you. Taking the time to flirt with her is the cost of knowing for sure.

As we discussed earlier, many women will test you before they’re willing to become vulnerable enough to show you their interest. Sometimes this is called her bitch shield because it’s meant to repel most of the men who are hitting on her. It’s your job to ignore her bitch shield.

While most guys will never know a woman’s true self because they don’t have the nerve to ignore her negative reactions, you can be that one guy who’s willing to see her shield as simply a useful defense system that keeps her safe from annoying or dangerous men.

Just assume it’s on until she’s either said “no thanks,” or you’ve lost interest.

PAY ATTENTION TO THE SUBTLETIES OF HER COMMUNICATION

The least important thing a woman communicates is what she says.

I can hear all of my female readers gasping in unison. Before you rage at me, let me explain.

Think of what we communicate in terms of the Three Vs: Verbal, Vocal and Visual.

Albert Mehrabian (a Professor Emeritus of Psychology at UCLA) has given seminars worldwide explaining his findings regarding human communication. He explains that words account for 7% of our message; tone of voice accounts for 38%, and body language accounts for 55%.

We will only come across as consistent, and therefore trust-worthy and attractive, when what we’re saying matches how we’re saying it.

Have you ever noticed how ironic a car salesman seems when he’s giving you a big fake smile? His words don’t match his body language.

Men and women communicate by means of the Three Vs. The problem is that women spend their entire lives paying attention to all three aspects of communication, while we men tend to only focus on the words that are being said.

If we learn to start paying attention to the three ways women communicate with us, we’ll be that much faster in discerning whether or not she’s interested.

Verbal Indicators of Interest:

1. She starts a conversation with you.
2. She helps the conversation when there are pauses.
3. She gives you compliments (“You’re so hot!”  “You have an amazing smile!” “I love the way you laugh!”)
4. She says “You’re so funny!”
5. She says “You’re kinda crazy!”
6. She teases you in some way; gives you a nickname (“Hair Guy”) or pretends she hates your shoes.
7. She asks you a lot of questions. “What’s your name? How old are you? Where do you live? What do you do? Are you single?”
8. She tries to agree a lot with whatever you’re saying. This is her seeking your approval, and rapport.
9. She says things like “I can’t believe I’m telling you this but …”

Non-Verbal Indicators of Interest:

1. She makes strong eye contact with you.
2. She fidgets or acts nervous.
3. She fixes her hair and makeup a lot.
4. She smiles at you.
5. She smiles a lot in general.
6. She touches her necklace, or breasts unconsciously.
7. Her pupils dilate while looking at you.
8. She laughs at all of your dumb jokes.
9. She playfully acts mad and hits you.
10. She stands closer and closer to you without realizing it.
11. She floats around your vicinity hoping you’ll notice her.
12. She touches you for any reason. Touching is huge. The more intimate the touch, the deeper her interest.
13. The way her body is facing you; over time, if she’s very interested, she’ll start to mimic your body language (crossing legs, sitting towards you, etc.)
14. She leans into you while talking.

 Other Indicators of Interest:

1. She calls you more than you call her.
2. She texts or emails you often.
3. She continues to give you compliments.
4. She wants to challenge you, or tease you.
5. She always returns phone calls.
6. She leaves obvious messages on your facebook or myspace page (with the hopes that others girls get the hint; like “Hey, I had a great time last night!”)
7. She seems jealous when you talk about other girls.
8. She wants to introduce you to her friends and family.
9. She’s always trying to sleep with you.
10. She touches you often, and leaves body parts touching you (her leg) when sitting next to you.

As you can see, there are many things she might be saying and doing which communicate her interest in you.

The best approach is to assume she’s interested based on a reading of her IOI, while continuing to escalate the intimacy between you.